Liar, Liar, Dates On Fire

There are times in life when honesty is the best policy and there are times when it is not.

These times are called dating.

Of course, there are things you should always be truthful about: your age (a year up or down doesn't count), your intentions, and your phone number.

But show me a girl who says that she is 100% honest at all times when in the dating scene and I will show you a liar. Ironic really.

And then I will show her this post so that she can have some insight on where the line between a lie and a flirt is drawn.

Example:

Crush: I just went on a fabulous trip to Europe.
Truth: Yeah, I know. I saw every picture from your trip on Facebook and read each comment. It was so funny how you imitated every statue that you came across for a photo op!
Flirt: Oh, interesting! Where abouts did you go?

Stalkers are creepy and open ended questions, even ones that you may already know the answers to, are encouraged.

Example:

Crush: I really enjoy hanging out at Club X downtown.
Truth: I heard that from your best friend's ex-girlfriend's cousin who works in my building so I've been going there five nights a week hoping to run into you. They make great mojitos!
Flirt: I heard that place was fun, we should check it out together some time.

People freak out when they realize they are not anonymous. This way you may even score a date.

So that's when you should lie. It's also when you should get a life and stop focusing on theirs.

Here is when you should tell the truth.

Example:

Crush: I speak French
Lie: Moi aussi! Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?
Flirt: How exotic of you! Have you ever been to Paris?

By telling the truth, you have gone from a Lady Marmalade lying hooker to an interesting conversationalist. Voila!

And here's an example from last weekend of a man we call Phoenix. We don't know why we call him that, we only know that it makes us laugh so hard that it counts as an ab workout.

Phoenix: Would you like to go snowshoeing on Saturday?
Lu: Oh course, it's my favorite outdoor activity, I'm soooo good at it! I left my gear in my hometown though! Oh well!
Phoenix: No problem, I'm super manly and can take care of that for you. Pick you up at 10.

Expletive.

This is a situation when a lie was not necessary considering that the truth would have set me free.

Truth: I have always wanted to try it, maybe you could teach me?

Those are the lines that I come up with after I've dug myself so far into a hole that even a seven hour snowshoe lesson would not be able to get me out of.

Maybe a cute outfit will help ease the guilt of an untruth?

Nope.

So I continued the lie even after he gave me several outs and even after almost getting busted.

Lu: These snowshoes are way different than mine, can you help me do them up?
Phoenix: That's weird, these are standard issue.
Lu: Hhhmmm...

One thing I've learned is that the truth will almost always be revealed. In my case it comes right on schedule, after approximately three glasses of wine.

Lu: I lied! I lied! I've never snowshoed before! (spoken through Beetlejuice lips)

Of course this is an example of a lie that did not get me into a lot of trouble and that wasn't a big deal once revealed. I just felt like an idiot and Phoenix likely thought I was an idiot as well.

So where to draw the line on telling the truth about your athletic abilities? Always be honest.

You will avoid the hours of youtubing certain sports, buying gear that is unnecessary, and looking like a wacko because you thought speed was the primary goal in winning at snowshoeing.

Also, your date is instantly put in the teacher/hero/upper hand role, and what man doesn't love that?

Tu comprende?

So for the future, trust that speaking French will not seal the deal.

Trust that the reality of who you are is always good enough.

Trust that your authentic self is what your future forever-lover will fall for.

Au revoir.

Survival Of The Funnest

On mornings when your aura feels better suited for a Saturday.

On mornings when you jump out of bed and then realize you need to sit back down.

On mornings when a week night winefest doesn't seem like such a great idea anymore.

Those are the mornings that you should refer to this post.

It is not unusual that I fall victim to a random runaway night out on a week day. And it usually results in me feeling like a victim the whole next day as I sit like a chump in my office with the door closed googling time machines.

As a reformed party girl (last night doesn't count), I have a few tricky tips to get you back on the fast track to health and prosperity. And by prosperity I mean finding out which bar you left your credit card at.

First of all, no matter how badly you don't want to get wet (that's what no one said), hop in the shower. Not only will this wake you up, but you will also wash off any booze that has escaped from your pores, dirt that is stuck to your feet from dancing bare foot after painful high heels were removed, and shame that covering your body.

Time to brusha brusha. Toothpaste on brush, brush dipped in baking soda. Trust me, this will transform a cat litter mouth into a breath of fresh air and remove red wine stains at the same time.

I am not a strong believer in breakfast being the most important meal of the day, but on days like this I am a die hard fan. Smoothies are the hungover working girl's savior. Toss in all of your favorite fruits, a banana, handful of spinach, water, and a couple packets of B12 instant energy. Blend and guzzle. If your queasy stomach can handle it, add some greasy hash browns to the mix.

Feeling better? Thought so.

Now get dressed in your most professional stretchy pants and baggy sweater and get to work. Quick. Before anyone notices. But make sure you grab a coffee on the way.

Once you've arrived to the office, check your emails and meeting schedule and make a list of your 'must dos'. If anything can be delegated, do so. Today is not the day so be a hero.

Once you have handled all urgent business, shut your office door and set your alarm for a half hour. Lay down under your desk and close your swollen eyes. I like to keep a blanket around for these type of naps.

Now that you've rested, hit your 'must do' list, focusing on busy work that doesn't require a clear head.

Lunch time! You probably have a go to hangover meal, so get it. Calories and fat content doesn't count today, just get it down the hatch.

Ok, so half your day is behind you and only four more hours until you are as free as a sick bird with a broken wing.

Now that you're starting to feel normal (whatever that means to you), it's time to go through your phone (hopefully it's not lost) and check your outgoing calls and text mails. This is the worst part of a runaway night but I promise you can get through this. Start with the calls.

Disregard any calls to your closest circle of friends, they probably already know about your antics and love you anyways, and if they don't, maybe it's time they were removed from the circle. Calls to ex-lovers and crushes is what your looking for here. Check number of calls, call time, and call length. This can be very telling. Telling you whether to hide under a rock for the next three weeks or to pat yourself on the back for having self control.

This would be a good time to call your winefest buddy and start piecing together the events of the night prior. Hopefully she is in the same rocky boat as you and you can get a good laugh from talking to her. Laughter can move mountains and migraines.

Text mail time. If you happen to have sent anything inappropriate you have three options. Option one, send another text mail saying that your phone was stolen by a friend or hooligan and you are so sorry for their actions. Option two, pretend that nothing happened. It kinda didn't, I mean you don't remember, do you? Option three, get behind your messages and twist the situation to make it seem that you were totally in line by saying what you said.

Four hours fly by when you're strategizing.

Time to clock out. Get home. It's completely appropriate to take a cab. Hopefully it's the same one you left your bank card in last night.

Pop in a feel good movie, crack open a Gatorade, and start eating as many bananas as you can handle.

Good as new? Not really. New is over-rated, I've always preferred shabby chic.

But you've made it through the day and you still have a job.

Tomorrow is another day. Booze it wisely.

Point and Shoot

I recently unknowingly entered into a very heated debate regarding gun control. It was with three downtown hipsters, all of which were wearing black horn rim glass and beanie caps, all of which had never held a gun and likely never will.

Unless, of course, one of them decides to host his next birthday party at the paint ball center. Or can dig up a vintage Nintendo duck hunter game. Regardless, everyone was pretty fired up.

To shoot or nor to shoot? That was the question.

My view point has always been that if you don't have a gun, you can't shoot anyone, and in turn no one will get killed. So why have a gun?

Unless its being used as a prop in a super sexy photoshoot on a ranch.

Attention all gun marketing companies: Gigi is a free agent and has the ability to make guns look remarkably cool and badass.

Anyways, to the hipsters I had said my piece and felt at peace.

Except when I realized that just because you don't have actual bullets, you can still do some serious damage.

Instead of arguing about an issue that most of us will never encounter and we cannot change (or don't have enough passion to change), let's talk about the ammo that we do have and that can be just as devastating: our words.

For example, telling someone that you love them when you don't to try to get what you want is the emotional equivalent of shooting an AK47 right through their heart and your integrity.

And shooting off negative slurs and awful names will leave residue on your hands and heart that is hard to remove and can't always be washed away.

Embellishing stories to make yourself look like the victim or the bad guy and telling them to everyone who will listen, is a point blank shot to your own self respect.

This is what's relevant in my life. Word control, not gun control. Words are as powerful as a sawed off shotgun and as the smoke clears, the repercussions can be permanent.

So choose your words carefully. Think before you speak. Understand that the impact of one sentence can kill the confidence and pride of the person you are speaking to.

Tempers can make this seem daunting. Emotions can make this seem impossible.

But all I know, is that the next time I go to pull the trigger, even in self defense (from some Baby Deer holding an AK47), I will imagine the collateral damage of the words I speak.

Continue your debate young hipsters, if you must, but excuse me if I don't partake in debates about guns.

Unless it's over which color of paint gun bullets I get to use at your birthday party.

If I'm still invited.