Liar, Liar, Dates On Fire

There are times in life when honesty is the best policy and there are times when it is not.

These times are called dating.

Of course, there are things you should always be truthful about: your age (a year up or down doesn't count), your intentions, and your phone number.

But show me a girl who says that she is 100% honest at all times when in the dating scene and I will show you a liar. Ironic really.

And then I will show her this post so that she can have some insight on where the line between a lie and a flirt is drawn.

Example:

Crush: I just went on a fabulous trip to Europe.
Truth: Yeah, I know. I saw every picture from your trip on Facebook and read each comment. It was so funny how you imitated every statue that you came across for a photo op!
Flirt: Oh, interesting! Where abouts did you go?

Stalkers are creepy and open ended questions, even ones that you may already know the answers to, are encouraged.

Example:

Crush: I really enjoy hanging out at Club X downtown.
Truth: I heard that from your best friend's ex-girlfriend's cousin who works in my building so I've been going there five nights a week hoping to run into you. They make great mojitos!
Flirt: I heard that place was fun, we should check it out together some time.

People freak out when they realize they are not anonymous. This way you may even score a date.

So that's when you should lie. It's also when you should get a life and stop focusing on theirs.

Here is when you should tell the truth.

Example:

Crush: I speak French
Lie: Moi aussi! Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?
Flirt: How exotic of you! Have you ever been to Paris?

By telling the truth, you have gone from a Lady Marmalade lying hooker to an interesting conversationalist. Voila!

And here's an example from last weekend of a man we call Phoenix. We don't know why we call him that, we only know that it makes us laugh so hard that it counts as an ab workout.

Phoenix: Would you like to go snowshoeing on Saturday?
Lu: Oh course, it's my favorite outdoor activity, I'm soooo good at it! I left my gear in my hometown though! Oh well!
Phoenix: No problem, I'm super manly and can take care of that for you. Pick you up at 10.

Expletive.

This is a situation when a lie was not necessary considering that the truth would have set me free.

Truth: I have always wanted to try it, maybe you could teach me?

Those are the lines that I come up with after I've dug myself so far into a hole that even a seven hour snowshoe lesson would not be able to get me out of.

Maybe a cute outfit will help ease the guilt of an untruth?

Nope.

So I continued the lie even after he gave me several outs and even after almost getting busted.

Lu: These snowshoes are way different than mine, can you help me do them up?
Phoenix: That's weird, these are standard issue.
Lu: Hhhmmm...

One thing I've learned is that the truth will almost always be revealed. In my case it comes right on schedule, after approximately three glasses of wine.

Lu: I lied! I lied! I've never snowshoed before! (spoken through Beetlejuice lips)

Of course this is an example of a lie that did not get me into a lot of trouble and that wasn't a big deal once revealed. I just felt like an idiot and Phoenix likely thought I was an idiot as well.

So where to draw the line on telling the truth about your athletic abilities? Always be honest.

You will avoid the hours of youtubing certain sports, buying gear that is unnecessary, and looking like a wacko because you thought speed was the primary goal in winning at snowshoeing.

Also, your date is instantly put in the teacher/hero/upper hand role, and what man doesn't love that?

Tu comprende?

So for the future, trust that speaking French will not seal the deal.

Trust that the reality of who you are is always good enough.

Trust that your authentic self is what your future forever-lover will fall for.

Au revoir.

Good Morning?

Hang on to your venti triple shot soy lattes and Red Bulls kids, you're in for a snooze fest!

I've never really looked at my insomnia as a particularly bad thing, just a part of who I am. The part that helps me stay awake doing projects til all hours of the morning and the part that keeps Clinique in business purely based on my under eye concealer purchases.

You're welcome Clinique.

However my brand new iPhone has sparked a brand new obsession: Sleep Cycle App. Somehow this app is able to tell whether I am awake, sleeping, or deep sleeping just by placing it on the corner of my mattress. It also has the good grace to wake me up to a beautiful melody when it has calculated that I am about to wake up on my own. Then it tells me to have a great day.

Don't mind if I do.

So two nights ago I settled in for my first sleep that would be judged by a cell phone. Never thought I would say that.

Always aiming to for a good grade, I layed as still as I could, not moving a muscle, breathing as softly as I could, tricking this device into believing that I was sleeping like a beauty...for two hours.

Fake it til you make it, honey!

If only Sofi new that we were playing pretend with Sleep Cycle App. She refused to stay still and sleep despite me hissing to her that this was important to me and that she would get a really big treat if she could just play dead.

Finally we 'slept'.

I woke up MUCH before Sleep Cycle has the chance to welcome me to the world naturally and slowly. The excitement to see my stats was too overwhelming. And then I saw them.

Went to bed: 12:22
Woke up: 6:22
Total time: 5h 59m

Fail.

What the hell was going on at 4 am?? I blame Sofi. She NEVER stops moving. I clocked a piddly six hours and felt like Mr. Sandman had chased me, punched me in the guts, and robbed me of any energy I may have had.

Never one to refuse a wildly unhealthy competition with myself, I brushed it off thinking, 'Tonights the night, Sleep Cycle App, you're MINE'.

Armed with a handful of sleeping pills and a bottle of NyQuil, I had a stern talk with Sofi about behaviour and hit the sheets.

Went to bed: 11:42
Woke up: 7:06
Total time: 7h 24m

Meh, it's an improvement. And the 4 am debacle was that Sofi having an asthma attack which is a pretty accurate indicator that I'm past due to dust and vacuum my home. Or maybe the pressure of playing dead was too much for her.

Anyways, as usual, my obsessions subside as quickly as they take hold of me and Sleep Cycle App has now been removed (or will be once I can figure that out). There is enough pressure on me on a regular basis, I don't want to be pressured into faking sleep.

If you are still awake and reading about my issues with lack of sleep at this point, I am very proud of you. You clearly caught enough zzz's of your own last night.

More than this little sleep disturber.

With Sleep Cycle App and obsession removed, I can stay awake as late as I want to now, no apologies, no judging devices. And plenty of time on my hands to find a new obsession to occupy me.

Or to dust my house.

Or to shop for under eye concealer at the 24 hour drug store.

Or to snuggle the cutest little angel I have ever known.

Or maybe with the pressure to sleep gone I can finally track down Mr. Sandman.

He owes me an apology.